YOUR TRAINING CANNOT SAVE YOU

I hefted the box off of the rollers. More boxes streamed down, the cardboard flowing over the plastic, and in the closed space of the trailer it sounded like rain.

The box was an irreg - long and narrow, shiny in the orange light of the lamp at the entrance. The picture on it showed a curl bar, a kind of barbell with kinks for gripping and emphasizing the biceps.

I stared at the handles, envying their knurling, imagined the luxury of friction digging into my palm. Then I clenched my grip around the smooth, hard, angular surface, and tried not to drop it.

*

Originally I had in mind to write an angry letter to Crossfit. It was going to be about how much fun it could be, how hybrid training truly does make sense and how awesome it is. And then I was going to rant about how Crossfit couldn't save you; how you could learn to do seven hundred push ups and deadlift until you died, and how none of that actually translated to the real world of lifting struggling things with no handles.

Seriously, bro, where are the handles on your uniform?

I learned, in doing a little cursory research, that Crossfit actually does have the power to program for Strongman-type workouts, the one kind of training that probably translates the most into real world strength. Which forced me, then, to sit back and think about what my problem was.

The temptation remains to blame Crossfit. It's a target, and for sure, the fact that they can program for strongman work doesn't mean that they are. For that matter, the fact that they're known for olympic lifts and broken gymnastics only serves to cement my point. An outfit that talks all about preparing for the real world that doesn't teach how to use that preparation in the real world isn't really doing anything other than getting you jack'd and rip'd and looking good naked while charging you lots and lots of money.

Which is their right, of course.

But in thinking about the problem, I'm forced to concede that this is way bigger than just Crossfit. This is something that applies to the industry at large. Doesn't matter if you're at Planet Fitness or Gold's Gym or your local powerlifter's dungeon or wherever. I've been in all those places, and not a single blessed one has ever really prepared me for doing the things I needed to do when I needed to do them.

Being prepared for the real world is so much more than WODs and various bells. And I think that, whatever way you use to train, you ultimately owe it to yourself to spice it up with real world work.

But to tell you the truth, I don't really know what that means. My temptation is to prescribe odd-object training as a cure-all - lifting sandbags and Atlas Stones and such. But honestly? Those aren't perfect answers.

Maybe the only real way to develop real strength is to go out into the real world. Shovel your driveway. Walk barefoot in the woods and find a heavy stone to carry. Play with your children. Wrestle your spouse.

The bottom line is this, folks: you can't just train in your gym and then leave your training there. You have to find ways to carry it and express it, as much as you can.

Otherwise, what the hell's the point?

Happy 2014! or, Why I Resolve NOT to Join the Resolvers

HEY EVERYONE I'M ALIVE

True story: 96 percent of surveyed people prefer live Ryan to dead.

I survived 2013. Here are some accomplishments:

• I rocked out NaNoWriMo for the eighth freaking year. I tell you: I have a fever, and it can only be cured with MOAR WORDCOUNT.
• I learned that I could hold down three different jobs if I had to.
• Further, I learned that I really don't like to.
• I got a new car!
• I started this blog!
• I learned how to do a handstand!
• I constructed a ring set/suspension trainer set-up for pennies on the dollar, using methods that I found online!

All things considered, it was a pretty awesome year. As usual, it had its ups and downs: I left behind a job that was steady to do a job that turned out not-steady, and as usual money is an issue. But that's life. If I genuinely made enough money to put my debts away for good and afford good groceries and send a little something home to my parents... well, it wouldn't be me. I wouldn't know how to handle those circumstances.

But that was all last year! 2014 stands before us now, with all its wonder and potential and disappointment and maybe some of the good madness that Neil Gaiman says he hopes for. These first days are the days of hope and potential, when you think you can finally "get in shape" and "write that novel" (okay, maybe that's just me).

Perhaps I have some kind of epic resolution up my sleeve? Some secret that's been inside of me for so long that will now burst forth from me and lead me down the path to awesome?

Hahahaha.

No.

Verified statistics from the University of Scranton indicate that only eight percent of people who make their resolutions actually succeed in doing them. Eight. Percent. You can fudge the numbers a little when you account for people who have a little success, but as for me? Lord knows I could use some changes, but I think I'll take a path that has lower odds of failure than 92%.

Ain't nobody got time for this

You gotta wonder, though: why do so many people fail at this? Here we are. It's the beginning of a New Year. It's tradition to look upon this upcoming time with unvarnished optimism and a sense of renewed purpose, so what gives? How does all this social capital go to waste?

Well, I've been reading a bunch of blogs about this, and I think it comes down to two or three things.

1. The goals that we set in our resolutions are optimized for failure. They fail the SMART test - they are not Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, or Time-Sensitive, and successful goals have to be all of these.
2. The goals are too big. We all know about the New Year's gym rush when everyone goes to hit the gym and get fit and finally lose that weight and 'get healthy.' Problem is, 'get healthy' is psychological code for 'look great naked' (it is, don't lie), and people don't understand that this isn't something that happens in a short time. It takes months of consistent effort and eating right, possibly years, and nobody walks into this expecting that.
3. The act of setting the goal in the first place is problematic, because more often than not it's set up without any kind of prior effort from the last year. We set the resolution to write that novel, to knit that scarf, to take up a new class or a hobby... out of nowhere. If these resolutions were truly so vital to us, so important as we think they are, then we would be doing things in the previous year to move toward them. That we haven't done this shows how little they really mean to us, and without that core of meaning, you have no chance of long term success at all.

To tell you the truth, I used to set goals all the time. But they're a limited tool. Getting my body to the place where I want it, getting my writing career to the place where I want it... they aren't things with set end points. If the day comes that I get jacked, I won't want to lose that; if the day comes that I write a bestseller or, shoot, complete a draft, I won't be content with just that one thing.

It's the process that ultimately matters. It's the development and refinement of psychological systems that gets us to where we want to go and keeps us there.

I've made up my mind to develop my joints and my mobility, and because I already have a system of working out in place, this will happen. I've made up my mind to have a completed second draft of a story, at least, and because I have a writing system in place, this will happen.

Because when you do things effectively, January 1 isn't an epic event at all. It's just another day where you put on your hard hat, and go the hell to work.

I'm in. Are you? What kind of things do you want to accomplish this year? Do you have systems in place already to deal with them? Or, failing that, what kind of system are you willing to build?